Just wanna be the girl you like!?

12 o'clk



Hey! You remember when DC, did that lets show the world how sexiest we truly are thing? And proceed to request millions of people to draw, Harley Quinn taking her life.  Which in the back of my mind was no different then all the other stuff they make her do from an abusive boyfriend, to the continued objectification of her body, and showing her being practically useless.

I wonder, do most men find that attractive in a woman? The strange idea that me speaking up, talking back, or voicing my opinion, is unattractive. OK, I admit that sometimes I can get chatty out of no where but when its a topic I like, I want to speak on it. Why do I have to be the meek virgin with the ideals of pleasing my future husband? I mean, look at Superman and Batman. Very too emotionally chatty men with one who has deep resentment, can't cope with lost, and anger issues he takes out on criminals. While the other represses all his emotions until he tries to take over the world, fights a super super villain, or gets some red krytonite in his system. So Superman the ticking time bomb and Batman, the resenting abusive superhero.

*Sigh*


Well, back to my original rant. I saw some of the submissions sent in by women and men who were disgusted too. I found my self proud to be a human and to know people actually care about women. Even when they are made up characters from a comic book. My sister who is twelve was outraged to see that a comic book she loved so much saw so little of her as a woman (Young preteen woman). She was crushed and requested I use my drawing skills to send in a submission. I did sketch one but miss my chance to be apart of the outraged crowd so it never got to be apart of its purpose.

Yet, months and a whole new year later. I am finally placing my art work here so the world or just me, can see it. Though, I don't believe in getting even with DC because truthfully they objectify all their women. I just believe in when I make a promise, I plan to keep it.

Goodmorning

“I hate to hear you talk about all women as if they were fine ladies 
instead of rational creatures. 
None of us want to be in calm waters all our lives.” 
― Jane Austen, Persuasion

Funny?

10o’clk

Sitting in class, I watch as the class roars when a male makes a joke but when it’s the females turn to speak up, the joke is seems to fall upon deaf ears. Maybe, it’s the way society has set up things or maybe the female wasn’t funny. I feel as if the boys play on the simple fact of what everyone is thinking. Its just who is going to be the first to speak it out loud while females think about it more in deeply. 

Not that, boys aren’t think about things deeply, it’s just that I hear these same jokes a million times. My teacher is very funny, but her jokes seem to just fall away. Also could it be the way that males present the joke is what makes it funny. I mean in my head, I can come up with a million funny things or ideas. Yet, does that make them funny? Or maybe its confidence, that’s helps yet I hear girls speak up all the time yet no laughs.

I wish I could do an experiment where, I have a girl and guy say the same jokes on two different crowds. See, who is presented as the funniest one. Then I could see if all I need to be funny is to have a penis.

Like the proposal, in which Ryan Reynolds is the funny guy with the serious woman. Has there ever been a movie with the girl being the funny one while the guy is the serious one. And I don’t mean that free spirit get naked in the sun, crap. I mean the sarcastic, witty, strong woman just like the character in the proposal. I mean, imagine if the roles were reversed in the movie.

I think it would be funny yet the guy must be the savior, which I don’t mind sometimes. Yet it happens a hundred percent and when it’s the woman’s turn to save the guy. She is some daisy hippy with no rules to the world. It plays on the Pocahontas and john smith, role.

*sigh*

Fuck Society 

Goodnight

“Being Sarcastic all of the time doesn’t make you seem,

smarter than everyone. You just kind of sound like an asshole” 

You’ve Got Mail/ Sleepless in Seattle

2o’clk

Do you ever think, Meg Ryan and Tom hanks, thought we’d be good together? Or were they such good actors, that it was all truly faked between them? The idea that you can look into someone eyes and just say, “I love you.” And never mean a word of it is truly heartbreaking to me. That there will be a time in my life when a man will say those words to me and it won’t mean a thing.

Not that I’ve never had my heartbroken by a lover. Family and Friends have done that countless of time to the point of tears. Sometimes it felt if my soul was just this milky pool of cloudy water easily stirred by others.

When I was younger, I couldn’t hide the tears or the pain. I’d cry to my heart exploded, not understanding that I wasn’t some broken pipe. Towards my teen years I hid the pain so we’ll that I started to get lost in all the masks I was wearing. Till one day, I stood before my maker and he looked at me. Not the fifteen people I could pretend to be but the young woman under all those masks.

Have you ever been touched so gentle that for a moment in your life it, ALL makes sense? I think that’s what happened to me. God opened my eyes to so much around me that I knew. Well, I guess, I’ve always known that I was worth being myself even if no one wanted to see that. But for the first time such a deep hole in my heart was filled and till this day it’s filled.

Maybe its all make believe and switches to the world. But it’s the whisper of a purpose to my soul and me.

I love you, soul mate, and purpose. Distant but not strange words to anyone or me in this world. I’ve told many people in my family I love them along with friends that truly mean something to me. I’ve talked about my belief on soul mates and that every body only gets one but we all have multiple chances at love here on earth. And purpose is just something we all search for in this world. To belong somewhere or with someone.

If I have to be lied to with the first man I ever truly love with those words. All I ask is, when you take my first kiss, or my first I love you, or my first I do, even my first time. Please, don’t take these things for granted; I’ve saved each of those things for a lot of years for my soul mate.

Goodmorning

“Be the light” ~ Matt, 5:14

Sing Sweet Nightingale

12o'clk


Have you ever wanted the voice of an angel? The voice of Cinderella as she sings to herself while she washes floors. Dreaming deeply in her own world, trying to making her own happiness. I think that's me at points in life trying to clean the floors of my own life. Singing sweet songs to myself as I try to make the best of each day.

Laughable, to think that if I told anyone that I truly wished to sing sweetly to myself in times of worry. I remember I told a "friend," I wanted to learn too sing for my future child.
 
*Matter of factually voice*  "Well, if its your child then they'll love your voice no matter what" ~ Girl who always has to be right.

*Sigh*

Yes, I know my child wouldn't mind me if I sounded like two car horns but I want to know as I sing to them that its..... Never mind. Either way, I know that this is something I am willing to do for my little one.

Side note: Guys who call their son "Honey" is very sweet to me. It shows that gender rules don't hold you back to express a "gender typical," name for your son. But men who usually have sons are married so in a respectable way, I say, you are sweet.


"So this is love," is a perfect song to sing your baby just as they fall a sleep in their cradle. UGH! This is what happens when I stay up to late and listen to songs that pull at my heart strings. My walls fall down and I breath out my day dreams of the day.

Today, I imagine myself dancing in the middle of a field. I did it for a little while as I listened to a song that really poured over my soul. It felt freeing because you feel; tired of dreams just being dreams and I don't mean buying a house. Or getting a "fancy" car which to me is just a faster death machine on wheels.


Dreams that tickle your lips into a smile like a quite moment between to firer flies. Or that moment you eat the best desert you ever had in your life. Ice cream was mine but Cookies n' cream was the flavor.

I think I am actually tired... I spent the day doing important "life" stuff. I came home feeling my confidence bar growing and the love for my mother grow even bigger. She speaks to me as if I were a queen but doesn't know I just want to be a princess.


Yet, we all have to grow up even if you want to run away from your responsibilities. Truly I am a runner, all my life we moved so I never had long time friends or memories. So as I got older, I always ran from friends, hid myself, and avoided anything that would have me commit to it. Now, I am finally planting my feet into the ground.


That doesn't mean, I don't have the urge to turn away and run. Its just that I have finally found someone worth giving my all in.... Myself.

Goodnight

Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way.

Jane Austen 

Honor Society

8o'clk



Honor Society..... A program where your good grades payoff, a program you can show others you've earned the right to be called smart, and a program I lucked into.

All my life I wanted to be the A+ student who got to be called for an award, something like my sister. She is beautiful, smart, and tough. She is a natural born genius while I'm just me.... A student who finds joy in just passing a math class.

I remember her just reading something and understanding it the night before a test. I was so jealous that she could just understand something and be OK. My brain needed time to form any idea of logic but that was until I found my passion in college; philosophy.

*Serious voice* Why is the sky blue? Do we just call it blue? Maybe God created it? Is God truly there? Where is there?

I know it sounds like silly nonsense but these are questions that keep me going. My brain works in wonder and little to no logic. Yes, I know two plus two is four but what is four? How does math make so much sense, if it was created by one white old man in B.C times? They couldn't have known so deeply about the things, we know today. Yet, it all fits together like a puzzle.

But according to most humans who feel that the earth was created by a bang. We just stumbled upon making nonsense into logic and we all are monkeys. Which is fine for most people but I would like to think maybe someone loves me so much that they made me. That I was this little thought in their mind and they saw fit to place me into this world, with love, trust, and guidance. 

God, is what most call the boss man. Or the boss lady. But to me, he is neither of those things and when I use the term "he," I don't mean that God has a male anatomy because I don't believe he has breast either. I just think to place him into our terms, lowers the beauty within him.

So terms like he and him, mean to be humanistic statements that I use to address such a wondrous thing. Then why don't I use; she and her? Hmmmmm.... Because I fucking don't want too.

Respect my choices as a human and I'll respect your choices of the monkey theory. 

Honor Society..... I have my first meeting today. I'm going to be late. Late in a world where time is only a made up, tool used to force humans to yolo their life away, plan for a family, or rush to go no where. 

"Your biological clock is ticking" ~ Doctor

    "Do you have children? And is it my responsibility just as a female to make sure I get pregnant? Do men have biological clocks?" ~ Me

"This sale is ending fast!" ~ Car salesman 

   "Don't you own this dealership? Can't you make the sale last forever?"~ Me

"I'm late for work!" ~ Random Human

   "Time is forever recycling, moving, and restarting. When a trees dies, does that mean time stops? It has hit its end but time does not end for us. So that must mean we all have our own set time so, why do you set your time in your bosses hands?" ~ Me

Well, I am late but strangely happy that I am late in my own time.  

At least they don't know that a C average student who made A's in the first time in her life got into their smart club.

Goodmorning

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Dick Cavett

Me or Her or Them

11c'lk


Listening to every Disney song that I can get my hands on because that dumb feeling of wanting to be in love is coming up again.

Pocahontas... Hated her for leaving John Smith

Thumbelina.... The Prince was cool but he was frozen half the movie

Anastasia.... My favorite love story of all time

Boy sees girl when they are kids, and they meet again in the distant future. Neither of them remember each other and it becomes fate that they are together. Yet instead of riches, dreams, and things. They both let that go for love, that four letter word.

*Sigh*

You want to know how much of a dope I am for love.... *Whispers* I'm saving my first kiss. Don't tell anyone because most of the people I know think I'm this sort of wild cat in bed. I even egg it on a bit but in deep truth sometimes, I have dreams of princess, knights, pirates, and far away lands. The weird part, I always play the man that saves the woman. I laugh that even in my dreams, I want to do the saving. To be the princess but I'm the one that saves the prince from...... A dragon? Or maybe his serious job?

blah
blah
blah

Every love story that's been written over, over, over, over, again. The same men play the love interest sweet, kind, sarcastic, funny, rich, and amazingly intelligent on the subject the girl loves. Such wonderful bullshit that pulls at my heart strings.... Then my mind comes in and kicks my heart ass, reminding me that the world isn't dramatic place that wants to allow dreams to come true. Its a bloody battle of Good and Evil.


So who I am to escape this harsh reality with my prince charming. In fact he is actually a egotistical pig who only cares about himself, wants me to pop out a bunch of kids, cook, clean, and stay at home. All the while he cheats on me with my best friend or my sister. <-------- TRUTH OF THE WORLD

...... Not my truth, the world doesn't know this but I have the secret of finding my true love. A soul mate, a true loves first kiss, or my man blanket.

Yes, I know Disney didn't leave any room for those who weren't of the Anglo Saxon blood or look. It didn't leave room of anyone because no one looked like those characters. No one is ugly, no one is pretty, no one is fat, no one is skinny. These are all made up words in the English language used to place everyone into made up categories.

But those females that challenge these thoughts are less then acceptable to be placed into society. In other words, I must look like quasimodo or igor behind this computer screen.

*Double Sigh*

Maybe I do and maybe I don't.... Yet I can tell you this,

I love philosophy, theology, God, music, dance, writing, reading, art, photography, kickboxing, crying, rainy days, being myself, gaining weight, kissing my dog, ice cream, weird smells, Gene Kelly movies, not watching tv, sniffing things, white roses, science, thinking, suits for women, God, cartoons from the 90's, and did I say God.

And from all that, see if you can guess my weigh, breast size, and eye color. Or maybe guess, that I am human and that's all you need to know.

Goodnight

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.Albert Einstein